I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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