I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
he thought i was a dude.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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