I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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