I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
