Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
