either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize