The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
