If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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