Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
