My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
