we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
There are leaves in my underwear?
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