I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
