There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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