Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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