I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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