I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
