If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
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