Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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