ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
