he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
