The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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