I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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