I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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