Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
