I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize