i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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