He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
