Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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