if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
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