yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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