the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
