Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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