I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
