Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
