i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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