i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
