It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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