pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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