I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
