dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Four minutes until I can fart!
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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