New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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