i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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