I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
