yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
