I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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