The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
