I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
