please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
