Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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