i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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