I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
