I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize