Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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