her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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