you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
