btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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