my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize